Stop Trying to Cross a Bridge You Can’t Even See Yet
I don’t see any bridges here
Lately I’ve been noticing how often I’m not present in the present—I’m caught up in my head, trying to handle something in the future that hasn’t happened yet (and might never happen). I keep role-playing what I’m going to say to someone who isn’t here and isn’t talking to me. This is a conversation that, let’s be honest, is probably never going to happen, and certainly not the way I’m imagining it. I’m over here delivering a monologue to no one, and making myself miserable in the process.
I know I’m not the only one doing this. So, let’s take a closer look at how we try to live in the future, why it doesn’t work, and what we can do instead.
Living in the Future: Trying to Solve Problems That Haven’t Happened Yet
I can get spun out on all kinds of things. Here’s an abbreviated list of imagined future problems I’ve gotten upset about recently:
Imagined conversations: Why is my friend ignoring me? What should I have said to that rude person on my morning walk? How dare that person (who’s maybe a bot) make such an ignorant or hateful comment on a video I liked?
Medical (or veterinary) concerns: What’s that weird pain? Has that lump always been there? Why isn’t my cat eating? Why is my heart racing? 😱
Financial fears: Will I be able to pay my bills? Will my business succeed? Will anyone hire me? Will I do well at my job? What happens if I don’t?
Relationship concerns: Does this person even care about me? Am I investing in a dead-end or one-sided friendship? Is it time to leave this relationship? Will anyone ever love me? 😭
Anything else that could conceivably go wrong: How cold will it get this winter? Will I be able to pay my electric bill? When will I need to replace my roof? What will I do if it starts leaking? Or what if a pipe breaks? 🤯 Where would I live if I couldn’t live here? Will I still have health insurance next year, and will I be able to afford it? Will I be able to get my meds if I don’t have insurance? Have I missed an important email? (Yes, I’m sure I have.) Who have I let down today, and will they forgive me?
I’m not saying these are unrealistic worries; I think a lot of them are likely to ripen into real problems that I will in fact need to deal with. But there’s not much I can do about them today, and trying to solve those problems in advance is ruining my present.
Here’s how.
5 Ways We Wreck the Present by Trying to Live in a Projected Future
I can see at least five ways we’re hurting ourselves when we try to cross bridges we haven’t reached yet.
We miss out on the present. When we aren’t mentally occupying the moment we’re in, we miss all the great stuff that is actually happening around us. We’re so busy occupying a fantasy that hasn’t happened (and might never happen) that we fail to enjoy what’s all around us, right here, right now.
We make ourselves unnecessarily upset. We’ve all done this, right? We get upset that someone didn’t text us back and it turns out they did, but the Apple/Android mismatch ate that text (yes, this really happens; my friends and I have compared screenshots). Or we panic about what we’re sure is a cancerous cyst and it turns out to be a zit. Yes, sometimes our worries evolve into real problems, but even then, all of the worrying we did in advance didn’t make anything better.
We spin our wheels preparing for an imagined reality. We fret and fume and research what might happen and what options we might have when the truth is we just don’t know what’s going to happen yet. Whatever we’re preparing for might not be the thing that happens. Sure, some types of preparation are universally helpful, but a lot of the “prep” I’ve done while worrying has been a straight-up waste of time.
We don’t do the things we actually could do today. We’re so busy focusing on what might happen in the future that we don’t take actions here, today, that could help us later. This is the only time and place we can ever be, and we aren’t here living our lives because we’re too caught up in an imagined future.
We practice the habit of not being present in our current lived reality. I’m willing to bet we’ve all put in countless reps of crossing bridges we haven’t reached yet. We all do it, all the time. And every time we do, we weaken the habit of being mindful in the current moment, and we strengthen the habit of fretting about a projected future.
That fifth point brings us to the next question.
Why Do We Keep Trying to Cross Bridges We Haven’t Reached?
If living in the future is such a miserable and useless waste of time, why do we all do it? And why do we do it over and over (and over and over)?
Mainly, I believe, out of habit. We start arguing in our heads with some random internet stranger or worrying about what tomorrow will bring and next thing we know we’re fuming or panicking and we haven’t even realized what we’re doing. We’ve spent our lives practicing the mental habit of trying to live in the future (which is why that fifth point above is so important).
It often seems like we don’t have a choice, anyway. Don’t we need to worry about the future so we’ll be prepared for when things go wrong? Don’t we need to map out that conversation so we’ll be able to make a snappy comeback next time?
No. No, we don’t. Because this whole escapade is fully and completely futile.
We Are Here, Now, and We Can’t Be Anywhere Else
I started to figure all this out a few weeks ago when I was hiking with my dogs. There I was on a gorgeous day, in a stunningly beautiful forest ... and I was mentally a million miles away, making myself sad and angry by arguing with someone who I’m not even friends with anymore.
I realized I was trying to cross a bridge when there was no bridge in sight.
And it’s just not possible, friends. If the bridge isn’t in front of you, you can’t see it. You can’t prepare for what it’ll take to cross it. You just can’t.
Okay, enough lecturing. What on earth are we supposed to do, if not this?
What to Do Instead
It’s easy to tell yourself “don’t do this anymore”; it’s a lot harder to shift gears and actually do something different. Here are the three steps I’ve come up with.
Feel the feeling. Whatever emotion has started this whole cascade, you have to give it some space. I knooowwwwww. Feelings are the worst. I get it. But you have to sit with that feeling or it will never, ever go away. Feelings that we stuff down or ignore or avoid don’t disappear; they stay on the periphery of our consciousness, driving us absolutely mad until we look at them and see what they’re about.
Are you hurt because your friend has started ignoring you and you don’t want to lose contact with someone you love? Scared that your democracy is being destroyed and no one in power is doing anything? Anxious about all the unknowns in the future? Me too, y’all. But it’s only when we admit what we’re feeling that we can start doing something about it.
Map out what you can do. The point here isn’t to ignore the future, or stick our heads in the sand and pretend nothing bad will ever happen. (It will.) The point is to engage in intentional, productive, strategic thinking. Use a timer so you don’t get sucked back into the imagined-future vortex, and ask yourself questions like:
What am I worried will happen?
What do I want to have happen instead?
What could I do to avoid or mitigate the effects of a bad outcome?
What could I do to create a better outcome?
What do I want to say, and is there any chance this person would hear me?
What do I want to have on hand—in terms of skills or resources—that I could arrange for now?
What are the values I want to live by, and what can I do to honor those values?
Think about what it would take to handle whatever the future brings, and then take action.
Recognize when you’re living in the future and redirect your thoughts. This isn’t a one-time fix; you’re going to fall back into fretting and fuming even after you’ve done these steps (or at least I have). Practice spotting it when you do, though, and redirecting your thoughts onto something more productive. I’ve written notes to myself about what I want to think about instead, and I’m working on redirecting myself when I realize I’m spiraling.
This Won’t Change Overnight
I am not saying this mindset will be easy to change. Nor am I saying that I have mastered this skill of remaining in the present because holy wow, I have not. I wrote this blog in large part because I needed to think through what I was doing, and then I needed to read it in black and white, probably more than once.
Change is hard, and it’s slow, and it’s often a matter of two steps forward and one (or two or three!) steps back. But I hope that we can all keep trying, and that we’ll remember to be gentle with ourselves.
Because this is a habit that’s worth changing, for our own peace of mind.
I’d love to hear about your experience with this! Hit me up on my contact form or book a call with me to chat about it. 💖
