the Weekly Framework: on being uncomfortable (and yet not dying!)

hello, friends 💖 

I’m doing something this week that is pushing me way (WAY) outside of my comfort zone: I’ll be performing three poems at a poetry slam on Monday evening. Technically, this is the last night of my slam poetry class, so it’ll be mostly students performing, not seasoned pros, but it has still inspired LOTS of big feelings. Hence this week’s theme!

According to Merriam-Webster, a “comfort zone” is “the level at which one functions with ease and familiarity.” That sounds nice, doesn’t it? When you’re in your comfort zone, you’re doing things that are easy and familiar—things that you know how to do and that you know you’re good at doing. You don’t have to feel challenged, or stretched. You don’t have to learn anything new. You don’t even really have to think!

In case you couldn’t tell, the more I think about comfort zones, the more I want to get out of mine. Because that sounds catastrophically boring. Why, then, do we get stuck in our comfort zones? I’ve come up with two related reasons:

1. When we leave our comfort zone, we dramatically increase our risk of failure. When we’re functioning with ease and familiarity, we probably don’t fail very often. But when we’re doing something we don’t yet know how to do (or can’t yet do well), we really might fail. We might be objectively bad at this new thing. Other people might even see us being bad at it.

2. Getting out of our comfort zone requires us to tolerate discomfort. Obviously we’re probably going to feel uncomfortable when we leave our comfort zone; it’s in the name. But our brains might be convinced that we will actually die of discomfort and that the way to stay safe is to remain firmly within the boundaries of our comfort zone.

But here’s the thing: for the types of ordinary things that people are afraid to do—speaking in public, or inviting a new friend over for dinner, or posting a video of ourselves on social media—nothing all that bad will happen even if we do them terribly. Yes, we’ll be uncomfortable, but that feeling will pass. Feelings are not, in fact, lethal.

And ICYMI, we are supposed to be bad at things we haven’t learned how to do yet. That is called being a beginner, and the process of gradually getting better at a skill is called learning. These are good things. We make children do these things all the time, right?? So we can probably manage.

The real danger comes from staying in our comfort zone, because it’s a trap. When we think we can’t do things, we don’t try, and over time, our world shrinks. Being willing to try things is itself a skill. Learning, tolerating discomfort, stumbling through the messy phase in which we’re genuinely bad at a new thing—these are all skills that we can improve on with practice. But only if we get out of our comfort zone and try.

Enough with the pep talk. Let’s get to this week’s questions:

• Reflection: How was last week? Did you feel good about whatever you spent your time on? Did you reevaluate any expectations? If so, did that go better or worse than you thought it would?

• This week: What’s on the schedule for this week? Do you actually have time to do all the things you’ve put on your to-do list? If not, what could you adjust so you’re not setting yourself up to fail?

• Identifying your comfort zones: Where might you be stuck in a comfortable rut? Is there something you’d really like to do that you’ve been afraid to try? Think about different areas of your life, from your professional skill set to your relationships and hobbies. If there’s somewhere that you feel you’ve gotten too comfortable (or even bored), that could be a good place to start building the new skill of tolerating discomfort.

• Stepping out of your comfort zone: Once you’ve picked an area where you’re ready to stretch yourself, what could you do—this week—to get out of your comfort zone? Do you want to practice saying hello to people you don’t know? Can you sign up for a class or lessons to acquire a new skill? Maybe this is the week you ask a new acquaintance if they want to hang out or grab a coffee together. Pick one thing and see if you can do it this week.

• Self-care: Is there something you’d like to be doing for self-care that you haven’t because it’s making you a bit uncomfortable? Could you do that this week, or at least take a step in that direction? For example, I’d love to get a good massage, but I don’t currently have a massage therapist I like and I’m picky about who I see. That little bit of discomfort has kept me off a massage table for years now. Maybe this week I’ll finally start the process of finding someone new 😤

Wishing you—with love, I swear!—a mildly uncomfortable week, friends 💖 

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